so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
