Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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