Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
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