Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
