can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
