if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
