T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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