My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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