My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
