Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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