theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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