There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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