3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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