remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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