Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
