i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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