He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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