were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
