I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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