last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
