how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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