My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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