can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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