Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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