I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
