Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
