A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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