also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
