Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
