remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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