I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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