high people should be assigned attendants
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
