life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
