She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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