bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
