Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
