You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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