She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
