the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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