He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
