Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We had sex on a dog bed..
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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