I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
