i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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