her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
