Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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