stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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