How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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