you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
