I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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