I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
