It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm having to shit out rocks
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
