This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We are two peas in an std pod
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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