I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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