Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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