we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
