This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Iβm a lady. I promise I wonβt oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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