got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
