Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
