I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
